


Wings and Roots

by MuggleMirror



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Sex, Family sucks but you can't hate them, Fluff and Angst, Knotting, Louis Tomlinson is a Little Shit, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg Louis, Omega Louis, Rutting, Slow Burn, The beginning chapters are sad and might make you cry, please dont hate me for that, zouis is alive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 12:03:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12630663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuggleMirror/pseuds/MuggleMirror
Summary: He knows he's gonna regret this later. He also knows he can't do this alone. Not without Zayn here. Not without his mum leaving him. He can't say her goodbye.He had done it 6 years ago. He can't do it again. Not when she feels more of a stranger and less of his mother.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it xx

Family. A small word, yet it holds a very deep meaning. Families are supposed to love and cherish you. Help you and advice you. Support you in your most stupid decisions and when the reckless ones wreck you, they stand by you as a pillar.

Even the most dysfunctional families are bound with love. No matter how bad the fights are, at the end of the day, your family is always there by your side.

For most people at least.

Unfortunately, Louis Tomlinson can't say the same thing about his own family. Looking at Louis, one would say he's a family person. A boy who loves to be with his parents and banter with his siblings, tease them and when the time comes, love and protect them with a great passion.

But the thing is, that was his _past_. His present is still and his future, well, he'll just have to wait.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos please if you liked it. They mean so much to me and they keep me fueling

"Alright. That's all for today. I expect your papers on my desk by tomorrow morning."

Louis' voice rose over the rustling of the students. The bell had rung and they were eagerly packing up so they can finally leave the hell they call school.

However Louis thought other wise. Sure he iss a teacher but back when he was in high school, he loved going to school. He was popular of course but not for the right reasons. He wasn't popular because the people there thought he was cool or friendly. He was popular because he was rich. Not just rich, filthy rich. And Louis hated every bit of it.

When you're rich, it isn't all rainbows and flowers always. Sometimes you get pricked by thorns as well. And in Louis' case, the thorns were his family.

His family wasn't those typical rich ass ones who didn't have time for each other. He had a loving and caring mother, adorable sibling whom he loved to death and then his responsible step father. But this was all when he was as kid. As time passed, his family fell apart. His mother had divorced Mark and things became unruly.

Growing up, Louis didn't have his father by him. Mark was his only father figure and naturally, he grew attached to him. But when things went down the hill between Mark and his mum which resulted in a divorce, Louis was upset. Well, upset would be an understatement.

The sudden chatter pulled Louis out of his hurtful past and it was then that he realized that he was in the parking. Students were sprawled around. Some chatting up with their friends, making plans while the others waited for their rides.

Louis' phone rang, the default iPhone tune ringing softly. He shuffled his papers from his right arm to the left and pulled out his phone from his back pocket.

On seeing the caller ID, he put his phone back. As he opened his car,  his phone danced again. His phone, now on the passenger's seat, showed the same caller ID.

Louis ignored it.

Even after _10_ missed calls.

\--

As Louis slowly pulled up near the club, he was anxious, morbid even. He had no idea why. Louis was the kind of person to lift up the mood of the party, socialize and get drunk and just let go. But something was different tonight. He knows this is very irresponsible and unprofessional of him to get shit faced drunk on a school night but he needed his escape. Those phone calls put him on an edge.

And that was why he was glad he could count on Zayn. His best friend. You'd think Louis and Zayn have been friends for a really long time. But no. They had just met a year ago when Zayn was moved from England to LA and got hired as a substitute and then he was offered a full time job which he gladly accepted.

Being a Muslim with tattoos decorating your body could be tough. But starting over is tougher. Zayn was glad and thankful to every superpower out there because it was only a miracle he became friends with Louis.

Why? You'd ask. That's because Louis might look like a harmless little omega but nobody dared to come near  him. He just gave off that vibe, the kind that makes you wanna fear for life. But that's just how Louis looks. As Zayn and him gotten closer, Zayn found it fit to say that Louis is a softie.

Yeah Louis still fights Zayn every time Zayn gives him this soft look but at the end of the day, he loved Zayn. Just not the way an omega is supposed to love an alpha.

Its not like they didn't try. What better than to be mated with your best friend? Louis would help Zayn during his rut and Zayn in Louis' heat but they never knotted. The spark, as Zayn called it, wasn't just there and Louis had agreed, seeing it fit to just remain best friends.

\--

After 2 rows of shots, Louis found himself grinding up against a random guy. He could smell him, an alpha definitely. His vision is blurred but he could make out the grey eyes of the alpha. Soul-less, almost and Louis didn't like that. Just the color of his eyes made Louis back away from. No, Louis is not much of a picker nor does he give importance to being pretty. Because according to him, everyone's beautiful and being pretty is just a bonus.

But sadly, the alpha didn't like it. Louis, in his life time, has met many alphas. Some good like Zayn and some bad; like the one who currently has a strong hold on his tiny wrist. Sure Louis is naturally a submissive but he knows how and when to say no, sadly, but his omega instincts, in situations like these _always_ got the best of him.

The alpha tsked and pulled Louis back with a growl, back pressed to him. Louis could feel the lust, greedy almost and he didn't like it one bit.

"Get your hands off my boy!"

Louis could tell, even in his sleep, that this calm but cold voice belonged to his best friend. It is at times like this that Louis thanks himself for befriending Zayn. He had no idea that the guy who spilled chutney on him would one day become his best friend.

The alpha decided to put up a fight, not letting go Louis yet but the cold stare returned by Zayn made the alpha run for life. A bit exaggerating but true.

"Are you OK babe?" Zayn's voice lined with concern, as always.

"Yeah fine. Just a bit dizzy is all." Louis managed between hiccups.

"Let's get out of here. Don't want you to be late tomorrow." With that, Zayn pulled Louis outside the club and then to his car. Zayn fished around for keys in Louis jacket but found only his phone. Giggling, Louis pulled out his keys from his jeans pocket and handed over to his friend. He's pretty sure he heard something along  the lines of " little shit" and that just added up to his giggling. Zayn shook his head, smiling fondly and buckled up Louis in the passenger seat.

The ride back to his flat was fast and smooth and Louis remembers only bits of it. Most of them being of Zayn, annoyingly reminding him of the calls. He vaguely remembers Zayn mentioning something, he has no idea what though. And soon enough his eyes shut, world going all black. All the worries and sadness locked up in a little cage, only to be opened tomorrow to reopen this wounds.

\--

Morning came fast, thanks to that fucking alarm. He quickly grabbed his phone and shut the damn thing off.

Bad Louis! His brain said to him. His head was throbbing hard and if he could, Louis would've chopped it right off. He sat up, groaning at the terrible ache in his head.

"That's what you get for getting shit faced on a school night." Zayn scolded as he entered Louis' room and gave him a glass of water and an Advil. Louis's stared at it, the medicine feeling foreign in his palm. He was never one to be so irresponsible but those damn calls made him do this. Louis cursed at himself internally for letting his feelings get the better of him.

"Louis, babe, that's a medicine. You take in your hand and place it in your mouth and then swallow it by drinking water." Zayn mocked his tiny friend, demonstrating each step.

"Oh fuck off!" Along with a middle finger directed at him was Louis' reply.

Zayn chuckled but soon his face got this tensed look. Almost like he's torn. Of course Louis noticed and of course he asked anf of fucking course Zayn didn't give him a direct answer and asked him to get dressed and come out in the living room and left quickly.

Louis was sure he was going to receive one of those lectures by Zayn that he rarely gives but nevertheless showered, got dressed, brushed his teeth and combed his hair. Hell he even made the bed hoping Zayn would appreciate it and just _maybe_ he won't lecture the little lad.

When Louis walked out of his room, he smelled tea and he could see a bowl of his darling coco puffs on the table. Silently, he thanked the power above him for creating Zayn and plopped down on the chair, drinking his tea and eating his breakfast.

In his peripheral vision, he could see Zayn hovering over him with a cup of coffee in his hand. The alpha pulled the chair closer to the omega and sat down as Louis, prepared himself for one hour of torture.

What left him speechless wasn't the fact that Zayn just pushed his phone to him. Not even the fact that the alpha was eerily quite even after Louis' late night adventures. It was the message that was lit up on his phone.

_Please come back Louis. Its mum._  
_-Lottie_


	3. Chapter 3

What's your history? Simple yet such a complicated question you could possible ask or be asked. History reminds you of things. Things you never forget and things that you want to. Things that make you smile so big that your face is split in half and things that make you shed silent tears when nobody's watching. It's a bittersweet thing actually, history. Makes people think.

So that's what Louis has been doing. Thinking and thinking. Turning the little wheels inside his head, digging through every cell trying to find that one memory that changed everything. He's thinking so hard that his head hurts. He might actually start crying from the physical and emotional pain he is enduring right now and that's one thing that Louis never does. Cry.

It makes you weak, he had once said when his little sister when asked. But it all seemed pointless right now.

"Babe, you've gotta dial the number. It won't dial itself." Zayn interjected Louis' thoughts.

"I can't- I can't just call Zayn! It's been so long and what do I even say? At a time like this? I can't do this on the phone!" Louis forced out his words, frustration building up.

"Maybe you could visit? Go down there for a few days?" Zayn suggested.

"I could but I can't do that alone. Z! I can't just face them after years of oblivion. I can't just pop up in their lives!" Louis said, waving his hands around. And when he couldn't take it anymore, he gave up.

He gave up trying to hide his emotions, feelings, frustration, anger and tears. What good was it doing him? Only hurt him and he was hurting. He just wanted to melt in someone's arms. Maybe erase his existence. Well thank the lord for he created Zayn Malik.

\--

They were currently on season 4 of Pretty Little Liars. Louis and Zayn had cuddled up on Louis' bed, binging on Netflix. Louis knew he should call his mum or at least Lottie but he was scared shit but he did.

He had called Lottie and talked to her. It was agonizingly painful and soothing at the same time. He had almost forgotten how his sister sounded. He missed it.

His tears silently flew through the 20 minute conversation and he had Zayn by his side. The alpha never left him and kept whispering soothing words in his ear. Its times like this that he wishes he could fall in love with Zayn. Honestly, it'd be so much easier. He wouldn't have to spend countless nights crying more than he would ever admit but it just didn't work out. But he's thankful to every power out there for Zayn Malik.

"Lou, you should start packing. I can help you with it?" Zayn prompted because he knew Louis was just putting off this conversation. He needs to leave as early as possible and Louis' stubborn.

"I need to talk to the school regarding my leave. I can't just leave everything and go." Louis said distractedly, too focused on his pulling a thread from his sweater.

"You do remember that I'm an alpha right?" Louis's hums in response. "I'll go talk to Mr. Thatcher. You need to start packing. Now!"

"Alpha!" Louis mocked but stomped his feet to his closet to pack. Zayn heard this and growled back which only made Louis whimper in return.

\--

Louis hates Zayn.

Zayn is not his alpha yet here he is ordering him around and petting him after he was done with the packing.

"I'm sorry Lou. I had to do that. We both know you weren't going to do anything and I can't just see you eat your feelings and binge over some drama of a self centered bitch!"

"Are you calling me fat?" Louis stared back, challenging Zayn to say one more word. Pretty Little Liars is fucking amazing, thank you very much.

"Um...no!" Zayn cleared his throat. "I mean, I can't see you so sad. Fuck! Lou! When I came here, I was scared. I, an alpha, was fucking scared but you helped me through it. This isn't an alpha-omega thing. This our friendship thing and I want to be the same that you've been to me. My life saver." Zayn continued softly.

"I couldn't possibly live with myself if I don't force you to go back to England. I know shit has happened in the past and it'll happen again if you don't go. I can't watch you torture yourself in every way possible, in the near future, just because you felt too weak to face your mother!"

"I know." Louis whispered. He sniffed as he continued, "I'm sorry for being so bad. I know I'm putting you through a lot of trouble, making you do all the calls and take over my classes and talk to Mr.Thatcher. Oh my God! He's going to give you hell while I'm I'm gone!!"

"It'll be fine. I've learnt a trick or two from my tiny best friend so I'll live."

\--

Louis might be sick.

He feels hot everywhere around. He think it's the nerves but isn't nervousness supposed to give you sweaty and clamped palms instead of a burning hot body? Well Louis will take his chances. He can't return now. Mainly because he doesn't have the money right now to buy a ticket back to NYC and he did not endure a 11 hour painful flight with a brat of an alpha next to him just to run back home without seeing his mum.

So he shuffles himself in a cab and starts the ride in the hopes of reaching his childhood house but halfway there, he changes his mind and side tracks to a hotel he had found.

He knows he's gonna regret this later. He also knows he can't do this alone. Not without Zayn here. Not without his mum leaving him. He can't say her _goodbye_. 

He had done it 6 years ago. He can't do it again. Not when she feels more of a stranger and less of his mother.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure about this chapter. It has slight mentions of smut which is awfully written. I hope you'll read on even if the smut is awful. Hope you like this one xx

Turns out, Louis does regret it. If the mop of curls next to him and mess around the hotel room is anything to say, he is wrecked and not just in one way.

He blinks his eyes open, trying to adjust to the light seeping in through the windows. He kicks the sheets away from his feet, revealing smooth golden skin contrasting with the creamy white legs that are tangled with his own. He dares to look at the face that hold the glorious curls and regrets it instantly.

 “FUCK!“ he muttered under his breath but apparently it was audible enough that the alpha next to him stirred in his sleep.

 “You are quite  _vocal_ so I didn't expect anything else.” His voice was raspy and Louis can't point if it is because of lack of sleep or because of other activities.

 “What the fuck happened in here?” Louis groaned and continued, “What time is it?” as he scratched his head.

"It's been 3 days.” Came the answer.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Louis finally screamed. He was so confused and cranky and the fact that he was naked beneath the sheets and hard wasn't helping. At all.

The alpha next to him moves closer to Louis and starts nosing him, inhaling his scent. Louis can't help but whine. He needs more. 3 days of constant sex is not enough. He needs more of this alpha no matter how much of a jerk he was to him during the flight.

The alpha presses his soft lips on Louis’ neck, dangerously close to his mating mark which made Louis shudder making him forget about everything.

 

 _Flashback_ :

Louis shivered as he stepped out of the cab. The air was crisp with winter around the corner but Louis was sweating. He felt all over and maybe that’s just a reaction his body is giving for travelling 14 hours straight with a pretentious alpha.

He hugged himself with his jacket and walked quickly inside the hotel. He asked for a room at the reception but the lady there was quite busy bitching about her best friend to some Susan. Well he isn't going to wait here all alone when his mind was too fucked up to sort out the mess in his life. He'll just have to look for another hotel.

With that decided, Louis sighed and walked away deciding to look up hotels in his phone but ran into a body.

 

_Louis! When you walk, walk. Dont stare af your phone._

 

Annoyed, Louis looked up and the set of green eyes staring back at him made the voice in his head go away. He pushed his phone in the back of his jeans and the person is front of him is someone he did not expect because -  _oh_

“Fancy seeing you here. Thought you were going home?” the man asks. The same man who had annoyed him the whole fucking flight. The same man who probably had a death wish because Louis was really close to chopping his oh so perfect hair off while he was snoring next to him.

“And it's your business because?” Louis sassed his way because honestly he had no time for whatever shit was coming his way now. He already had his plate full and he did not want more dessert. No sir!

 

And that was when louis felt it. Slick.

 

His pants started to get wet and he could feel the sweat beads forming on the nape of his neck despite the air condition.

 

_Well, fuck!_

 

Louis started to panic internally. How could he be so fucking careless? He should've known the moment he stepped out of the cab. More importantly Louis wants to kick himself for not remembering his due date.

Well Louis is not that stupid. He has his supplies in his luggage and only if he got a room at the fucking hotel right away- but. But there’s an alpha in front of him. Tall, lean, strong and gorgeous. Louis knows better than to not to let his hormones get the better of him but the omega in his very close to bearing his head for the alpha in front of him.

Louis can see the way the alpha stiffens because of Louis’ SCENT. Louis also notices the way his hands are stiff against his body in fists, as if trying to hold back but Louis knows that won't go on for long  _because._

Louis though, he knows. He knows he’s done for. He could either try running off to nowhere even if the alpha on front of him is trying not to be _reckless or_ he  could just let the alpha take him and show him what pleasure is.

 

He decides on the latter.

 

It all happens in a haze of lust and need that Louis almost loses it.

“What are you doing?” Louis asks, surprise evident in his voice.

The alpha who’s name Louis didn't bother remembering while he annoyed him for 14 hours, has a death grip on his hand, pulling him inside - a room?

“Trying to save you from getting raped!” the alpha grits out.

 

“Wha - oof!”

 

“Stay here and don't get out.” the alpha spits as he refrains himself from jumping on Louis.

Louis is not blind. He can see. This alpha, this beautiful alpha might have been an annoying brat but he isn't one to not appreciate beauty. The man who could very much hold him up by one hand and fuck him senseless to the wall is doing anything but that. He’s  _protecting_  Louis and Louis will be damned if he doesn't let himself get a taste of this beautiful person. This might be the hormones talking and Louis knows he'll regret this when he's in his proper state of mind. He’s already got a number of things he’ll be regretting in the morning so why not just go all the way?

Because _,_ this alpha, the word beautiful does no justice to him. Louis wonders for a split second if this bloke is keeping it together because he’s got someone (he’s reckless not stupid) but then he remembers their conversation during the flight. How he tried to flirt with him and when Louis reminded him to keep it together for the one at home, he said he's got no one. Louis will be damned if he doesn't take this opportunity.

So he does what his hormones ask him to do. He quickly discards all of his clothes as he whines the alpha’s name. (Yes he remembers the name)

 

“Har-ry”

 

The alpha, Harry, freezes. Louis questions if it's because he thought Louis wouldn’t remember his name or because of his scent. He goes with the latter. With no clothes on, he's on full display for the alpha and his scent is overwhelming. Louis counts this as a win.

“Please” Louis tries again as he ruts himself on the mattress.

“I -” the words are strained. Louis shivers because the air is cold but he feels hot all over because he had no idea the alpha’s voice could go this deep.

He hears the door slam shut and he frowns. The frown quickly turns into a smirk when he feels the mattress dip next to him. Honestly, he has no fucking idea as to how Harry is so composed right now. No alpha has ever resisted him and this bruises his ego.

He quickly scrambles onto his knees and looks to his right giving a sly smile to Harry. If he won't’ do anything, well then, Louis knows how to make him do.

Louis pushes his arse in the air, wiggling it a bit and then sticks his fingers in his mouth, sucking them filthily. He can see how the pupils dilate so much, that the green in Harry’s eyes is almost gone. He can also see his fists full of sheets. Louis likes this.

Louis removes his fingers from his mouth, spit dribbling. He can feel the alpha’s gaze burning through his body but the alpha still makes no move. Louis is done with games. He’s in fucking heat and he needs something to fill him up. If Harry won't do it, Louis knows how to.

He brings his wet fingers where he needs them as he balances himself on his other hand, palms spread wide. Louis sucks a breath in before inserting his fingers but that breath turns into a gasp when he feels the pha catch his wrist tight enough that he’s sure there will be bruises.

He hears the quick opening of the zipper and the impact of his jeans on the floor. He can _smell_ the alpha’s scent, his arousal and fuck-

But the alpha still makes no move. Louis, for one last time, turns around and says as innocently as he can, “please,” and the next thing he knows is that the alpha is balls deep in him, fucking into him.

It's so fucking good and all Louis wants is more of this alpha. He wants the knot. He wants to be _full_.

Louis is in pure bliss and he’s so close that all he needs is one tug and he’s spent. His scent is everywhere and overwhelming and harry can't hold back anymore. Not when Louis fits around his cock firmly and the knot is swelling. Harry tries to pull and Louis still can't fathom how he can think straight but Louis protests by clawing back at him.

 

The knot catches on and Louis screams finally, warmth washing all over him.

 

\--

 

Last night, now that Louis remembers, was fucking amazing but it's time that he takes control. He flips themselves so Louis is on top. He knows he wouldn't be able to do if the alpha hadn't let him so he's going to take full advantage of this while it lasts.

He bends down, breathing over Harry's chest, kissing as he goes up, mouthing at his jaw. Just for good measure, he bites Harry's earlobe and whispers, “It's time I took control.”

 

\--

The green reminds him of last night. Of the eyes. Of Harry.

It also reminds him of how he was too busy getting fucked when he was supposed to be at his mum’s. It also reminds him that he fucked up. Of how irresponsible he _is_.

The following morning, Louis had woken up to a not so perfect tea and a lovely breakfast.

 

“I had a lovely time. Thanks xx

PS: I love the sounds you make,” said the note. Louis crumpled the note and threw it in a random direction. Just another alpha he’ll never meet again so he doesn't feel the need to appreciate the note. However, he does appreciate the gesture even if it was accompanied with a bad cup of tea.

He had searched for his phone and quickly connected it to the power cord, wanting to call Zayn. After showering, he quickly cleaned the mess he and Harry had made. It's the least he could do after getting into a room without paying for it (Harry had paid for it).

After he got a cab, he checked his phone and that's when he realised that he fucked up big time. Again.

18 missed calls and 10 messages from Zayn, 17 from Lottie and one from him mum.

He couldn't open them or have the will to call them back. He knows he fucked up but he's pretty sure they'll forget all about that when he shows up on the foot step of his childhood home.

 

3 hours long journey in a cab got him cramped. Louis’ sure he never got out of a cab so quickly. He dropped his bags on the ground and stretched, bones sounding out.

He throws the duffel bag over his shoulder and drags his suitcase as he takes a deep breath.

 

“Okay then.”

 

He knocks exactly three times, holding his breath, heart thudding so hard, it might just fall out. He can hear the silence, the cold silence and maybe, everything is good after all. Maybe this is just a sham. One of the many pranks his sisters came up with. He can hear footsteps approaching, softly and can hear the door being unlocked and creaking as it is opened.

His breath is knocked out when he sees his sister, a crying mess.

“You're late,” Lottie manages between sniffles and Louis, he's not sure what she means. Of course he's late. He's 5 fucking days late. But no. Realisation hits Louis hard, a punch in the gut and Louis finally understands.

 

 _He's late_.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos? Thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been to a cemetery before so everything here is completely based on the pictures Google provided me with. I have had this chapter on hold for about four months now but I never got around to completing it as my finals were approaching so here it finally is!
> 
> I got a bit teary eyed when I was giving it a last read before posting. Clearly I have a thing for sad and tragic stories. The next part, however, will be sooner and not four months later, haha. Hope you like this one xx
> 
> A special thanks to my new friend Alex. She saved me from making a big blunder int this narrative :>
> 
>  
> 
> You can find me on my [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/larry_kink/)

Louis can’t feel his face. He can feel the tears trickling down his cheekbones, their only evidence being the salty taste in his mouth. Maybe it's because of the weather, the cold wind hitting his face so hard that he’s gone numb but if he's being honest with himself, he stopped feeling a few days ago. A few days ago when he got back here. A few days ago when he realized how late he was. A few days ago when his world came crashing down. Now, Louis isn't the kind of person who can express himself. He's never really been good at that. All he can do is scribble down coil of words on a canvas.That has always been his release but now, he doesn't know how to release. How can he when he can’t feel anything? He feels so fucking numb and for once, he wants something. He wants something, anything, to hit him hard, bleed him, make him feel SOMETHING.He never gave it much thought, it was kind of pointless - dying. People mourn and then forget you. You fade away from their lives. Once in awhile, a memory is bought, a few tears are shed and it's back to normal again. A normal life. A happy life. Without you and they're fine. But he was wrong. It's never the same. It not normal anymore. How can it be? Fizzy thinks he should go out with his friends and celebrate his birthday. If not that, have a birthday dinner at home. She even offered to cook but Louis declined joking about how he had no intentions of dying - which, now he realizes, was grim, wretched.The thing is, he didn't mean any of this to happen. He didn't mean to break his promise and to hurt his mum. He didn't mean to leave his mom, his home. Fuck, he didn't mean to kill someone. He didn't mean any of this to happen.

 

When Lottie had contacted him after ages, Louis hesitated. If only, if only he had had guts, he wouldn't be here in this state on Christmas Eve. If only he had come here soon. If only he had taken his damn pills, he wouldn't be getting fucked by a random alpha right when he should've been with his mother.His family - he doesn't know what to call them anymore, knows though. They know the whole story. They don't blame him, even though they should. He's pretty sure Daisy is waiting for some shit to happen so she can scream at him and even if she did, Louis won't blame her. After all, he fucked up. Again. He can hear their whispers and feel them walking on eggshells. His sisters don't come close to his room, let alone him. If it wasn't for Lottie’s constant nagging, he’d assume he was back in New York and not in Doncaster. A place that feels so foreign to him, now more than ever.

The Tomlinson household was always a sight during holidays. Chaotic but a sight. Christmas paired with Louis’ birthday, was probably the best time of the year. Usually, people tend to forget his birthday. It being overshadowed by Christmas and all but his mother never did. She always baked him a cake and a hearty dinner to have with family. Even in his rebel days, when Louis wanted to experiment and fuck shit up, no matter how bad he fucked up, his mum always baked him a lovely cake. It was all really lovely but now, it rips him apart. All the memories are washing over him and it burns him. He never thought he’d have to live this day without his mum. Even after leaving his mum and moving to new York for a fresh start, he still got his yearly birthday message. It was never his mum, he knows that. It was his sisters who sneakily snapped of a photo of the cake or the various dishes his mum would make even though he wasn't there. He knows for a fact that all that was for him, regardless of how much his mum denied. “Just some Christmas spirit love. It's the Christmas eve after all!” would be her reply when one of the girls would ask if the food was for Louis. He misses it. The food, the chatter, the fights, the banter, the cuddles, the screaming, everything. Mostly, he misses his mother scolding him for being too careless. If she were to see him this way, she'd probably give him a good scolding, Louis thinks bitterly, which, just adds up to the many tears soaking his shirt.

 

His siblings don't understand, Dan or anybody. Nobody does. Nobody has lived with his mum for as long as he has. Lottie says she gets it. When Louis is wrapped in a blanket and curled in, staring at the various pictures of him from his childhood, laughing, hugging, happy, she comes in and sits next to him and says she gets it. He knows she's just trying to be nice but she just doesn't know. She doesn't know of the millions times he was ready to kick somebody’s ass when they were mean to his mum, even though he was just 5 years old. She doesn't know of the many times his mum screamed, “that’s my boy!” every time he waddled with his tiny feet and scored a goal.The times when his mum did multiple shifts at the hospital to give him a proper education, the times when she ignored her needs so he could have a decent birthday present.  She doesn't realize just how important the past 26 years of his life are. She doesn't realize how it broke Louis when he hurt his mum so bad that she wished he had died in the accident instead. She doesn't know any of it. He wishes he could go back now. If he could just go back, he would fix things and undo the shit he did and just do something, ANYTHING to get his mum back. But that's the thing about dead people isn't it? They never come back.

  
  


\--

  
  


Its January now. Almost a month of him coming here, leaving New York. He doesn't know when he will go back to New York, if he will. He visits her grave everyday, a little tradition that he has started. Spring seems years away and honestly, that's the only thing that keeps him going. He needs something beautiful to look at, something fresh. He likes snow as much as the next person but spring has its own beauty.

 

He looks at the rumpled sheets on his unmade bed, the cold wind prompting their wave. His room is a downright mess and he needs to clean up soon but that can wait. For now, it's time for his daily tradition. Louis is swift on his feet on his way out when he hears Lottie call out to him.

 

“Are you going out?”

 

“Yeah I was just… you know…”

 

If Lottie knew, she never said anything and Louis will always be grateful to her.

 

“Can you grab some eggs on your way home, please?”

 

Louis chose to nod, not trusting his voice and dashed towards his mother’s red Expedition that was covered in frost. After getting rid of the frost, he was quick to jump in. He removed his mittens quickly and turned on the heater. He waited for a minute as he rubbed his palms against each other to get them a bit warm.“It's fucking freezing out here,” Louis muttered under his breath. The cemetery is about 9 miles away and the wet road will make the ride tricky but it’ll be fine, Louis says to himself.

 

And it is fine. He isn't the best of drivers but he's decent. The car skidded to a halt as he made a quick stop to collect the flowers for his visit. He quickly gets back in not wanting to risk a cold and be more trouble to his family. Outside, the wind is howling and whipping. It's too cold to be out but he can spot a family of four as he passes by a residence. The kids are building a snowman which looks nothing like a snowman but just a big knob of snow but it satisfies them and Louis figures it's worth it. He can hear the delight in their laughter and their giggles manages to bring a small smile on his face after a very long time. 

He lets out a long sigh as the car stops a few feet away from the cemetery gates. Shuffling the two bouquets in his hand, he steps out of the car and scowls at the ground. It's snow and it's cold and nasty and Louis hates it. The wind slaps across his face but he hugs himself, careful not to press the flowers and starts to walk towards the old rusty gate. The church is what comes in his view first. The setting has become very familiar to Louis as he walks around the church, Oak and Beech trees lining the pavement, devoured of their foliage.

The air of melancholy surrounds him as he sighted his mother’s grave. Louis can feel the temperature drop and he pictures death mocking him, finding Louis at his mercy. Louis shudders and crouches down, a grim expression his face. He can feel the cold, nasty snow wetting his pants and he hates it.

 

_ Doubt thou the stars are fire; _ __  
_ Doubt that the sun doth move; _ __  
_ Doubt truth to be a liar; _ _  
_ __ But never doubt I love.

 

He moves the snow with his bare hands and places the bouquet on the grave. He pauses to admire the beauty of white Calla lilies and the delicacy of orchids; they were his mother’s favourite. The ghastly hole in his chest is aches. It's petrifying and his legs shake so he gives in and kneels down on the blanket of snow. He wants to scream and yell but he can’t find his voice. There's a lump in his throat and no matter how hard he tries to swallow, it won't go away.

 

He then remembers that he’s holding another bunch of flowers - white carnations adorned with red roses. Red, ironically, is the colour of love and death. He feels his heart sinking as he glances at the grave next to his mothers’. He stares at the angel engraved on the stone. He skims over it and loses himself in it - almost forgetting to breathe because he doesn't want to. Because this grave, is his deed. His neck feels moist and he reaches up to feel himself, finding traces of his own tears. Sniffing, he moves to the smaller grave and places the posy softly.

 

_ Death lies on her like an untimely frost. _

 

Louis caresses the engraved stone. It's covered in mold and withered by weather but it stands and the words bore into his sole. His ears ring sharply and he lets out scream, vile memories echoing in his brains. They are painful and mind numbing and Louis thinks he might have made a mistake by coming to visit her. If he couldn’t protect her, the least he could do is let her rest in peace.

 

The sun is sinking fast below the horizon. It reminds him Lottie who is waiting on him. He has disappointed way too many souls, he cannot do disappoint his little sister too. The atmosphere is claustrophobic. He can hear the silent screams and he wants to scream too. But he cannot disturb the dead, for they should have their peace So he shuffles on his feet clumsily, toppling over in the process and falls face first. The cold snow hits him in the face, too numb to even acknowledge that he's wet all over. He wants to move, run away and never come back. Go far away from this place that has been haunting him, horrid memories keeping him up at night. He’s wet but his mouth feels dry. He knows there’s a water bottle in the car - only if he could make it out of here but he’s exhausted, tired. He gives up and lies there, lets the bitter cold take over him.There’s the faint cawing of crows and chirping of birds echoing in his ear. There’s also a voice, muffled, trying to communicate with him but Louis doesn't want to. He wants to be able to talk to his mother and lie in her lap, feeling her gentle fingers as she runs them through his hair. The only way he can get that is by embracing what’s coming to him, death. So lets himself fall into the embrace and closes his eyes and all the pain is gone. 


End file.
